‘Ma, what is rape?’

‘What exactly happened at R.G.Kar, Baba?  Why do men rape?’

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If the above questions strike a chord with you, then it would not be wrong to infer that you, as a parent or a parent-figure, must have already received such queries from children who are in their pre-teens and early teens and like most adults these have left you stumped and speechless. For once in your life, you fail to give an answer simply because you do not know how to deal with such questions. Period.

One certainly does not need to reiterate the fact that even in the 21st century,  talking about sex is considered a ’taboo’ in Indian society.  Many parents, even at this age, do not deem it fit to have ‘the talk’ when their children are coming of age. Sex education is yet to become an eligible subject in schools. Thus, in the absence of talks or discussions at home or at school most children get to know about the ‘taboo subject’ et al from their peers (who also have half-baked knowledge) or cousins, the ‘know-it-all’ search engines, books, films, net series that bank on titillating the teens hormones for success. Special mention must also be made about the exposure to pornography. In short, children learn about sex, from external sources when they should know about it from those who matter the most in their lives – their parents. Even today, many parents, irrespective of their geographical, social, educational, cultural backgrounds feel embarrassed to address the issue and even if their children dare to ask, the parents either brush it under-the-carpet or simply  reprimand them.

I have many friends whose children, particularly  belonging to the age group 10-14 , have made their parents ‘uneasy’ by asking the dreaded questions about rape after the heinous crime at R.G. Kar shook the nation. These questions have rocked their boats and many of them have shared their dilemma with me. They said: “We have not even talked to them about sex, how can we then tell them about rape?” “It is so embarrassing and difficult. As a mother, how can I tell my son about sex and rape?” “My family will never approve even if I want to have ‘the talk.’” “My father or mother did not discuss such issues with me. How can I?” “These are adult issues. Why should one pollute the minds of children?” Their list of reasons for not having ‘the talk’ goes on and on and believe me when I state that I have even received requests from some of my friends to talk to their children. “You are open-minded. You do not consider the topic as a taboo. We know it. And as a mass media person and an educator, you have a way with words, you understand their confusion and you will be able to explain everything much better than us.”  My friends like most parents are truly at their wits end.

I would like to point out here that during my research, I also spoke to my students – those in school or pursuing a PG diploma course – and they told me that they would ideally like their parents to explain things to them. Those in school have even informed me about how they tend to discuss about sex, masturbation, etc. which they term as  ‘hormone talks’ with their friends and older cousins because they cannot imagine talking about the ‘taboo subject’ at home or asking their parents about anything related to it. Some even shook their heads and conveyed an emphatic ‘No’ even before I had finished asking, “Can you ask your parents about what is rape or about safe, consensual sex?”

As a parent-figure and educator I feel that the time has come for parents to stop regarding any talk pertaining to sex as a taboo. While researching for this article, I also found out that most parents would like the schools to step in and organise counselling sessions or workshops where the concerned authorities, teachers along with the counsellor can address the issue and answer the queries. However, after talking to many parents during the past two weeks, I am of the opinion that the school authorities should also hold counselling sessions and workshops for the parents as well. These sessions can inform, educate, raise awareness and also train the parents so that they are better equipped to handle any question about menstrual cycle, sex, rape, tell the children about the importance of consensual sex and so on. This has become the need-of-the-hour for we are living in times when parents can no longer afford to either shy away, cringe or turn a blind eye to harsh reality.

The writer is a journalist-turned-independent mass media and content development consultant, media educator and trainer