We ought to make sure that our fragile egos do not make us isolated or social pariahs after we lose social or official status by a quirk of fate or the passage of time. Respect should be commanded, not demanded as we usually do. While such ego clashes over honorifics and appellations are specific to the Indian milieu, we must be more respectful of people around us, junior, senior or anyone, allowing such things to be decided by an evolving relationship amongst interlocutors.

Calling names may be easy in India, but calling a person by his/her first name or surname may not be all that easy, more so at our workplaces. No wonder, we have devised various ways to address one another. While we may address our office juniors or friends by their first name, we usually address the familiar and unfamiliar contemporaries either by prefixing or suffixing Mr/Ms or Saheb/Ji respectively, e.g. Mr Singh, Inspector Sahib or Verma Ji. While we use Sahib against the post, designation or surname, we use the honorific ji against the surnames or relational collective nouns. The prefixes or suffixes vary from region to region.

However, in a punctilious society like India informed by frozen notions of social stratification, the use of such honorifics could actually be quite tricky, requiring the balancing of a trapeze-artiste. While answering a phone call, we often await the introduction of the caller before deciding on the proper appellation to address him/her. And if one is not sure, one just avoids using any honorific until one figures out the age, relations or seniority of the person.

Often our bloated ego and the cerebral struggle over selection of an apposite honorific creates unnecessary complications. The problem gets reinforced when you are from a feudal background. The socially established behavioural pattern in India incapacitates one from treating a fellow human being as a human, sometimes notwithstanding one’s liberal education. This seems to be a spin-off from an obsolete caste system that is still prevailing in our society.

We may be the world’s oldest republic or we may be the world’s largest democracy; but when it comes to treating or addressing one another, we fight shy of any concept of equality or egalitarianism. Many friends and relatives, separated by status or occupational hierarchy, continue to be divided in their minds as they insist on reverential appellations even from near relatives. So, if we are supposedly superior in age, wealth, societal status, family relationships or official position, we expect a respectful appellation to be used while being addressed in India by Indians. Our expectations, however, vary abroad or vis-a-vis foreigners.

Today, the superiors (in age, status or official position) are usually addressed by their first names in most Western countries or even in corporate circles in our own country. Be it the President of the USA or the Google CEO, they are all called by their first name by their colleagues, howsoever junior they may be. Indians do the same in those countries or in many corporate offices in India itself as long as they are conversing in English. However, the moment they use their vernacular language including Hindi, they again relapse into the old hoary Indian practice of using specific appellation or honorific suiting one’s position or status.

In fact, there is an unwritten rule regarding the use of right appellations or titles in interpersonal communication. Status or the respectful ‘Sir’ or ‘Aap’ (respectful first person terms for elders in India) is expected to be used by subordinates or younger relatives. Differentiated expressions of respect as determined by social stratification, thus divide Indians and situate them at different levels even in course of interpersonal communication.

In fact, in many segments, including the Indian bureaucracy and uniformed services, the senior officers’ wives are also supposed to be addressed with equal or more respect than their officer husbands.

The equalising appellations like ‘Bhabhiji’, as used in day-to-day communication, is often deemed infra dig and against the expected courtesy like we do against older or same-status neighbourhood relations. Use of such appellations against a superior’s wife is deemed as socially inappropriate behaviour while encouraging the use of an appellation like ‘Madam’ or Ma’am.

Any deviation against the set practice or custom often results in a huge ego tussle among the interlocutors, thereby creating an unseemly situation in the office or even in the family. Such a situation also points to the feudal character of Indian languages or dialects which have conditioned such interpersonal malapropism. The accompanying condescending tone or tenor of the used moniker or appellations is often the tell-tale sign of one’s position in the societal pecking order.

One has noticed another extreme in some regions of the South Indian states where even juniors or subordinates are addressed as ‘Sir’. So, while requesting for a glass of water or a cup of tea from your peon, you ask him, “Sir, would you please bring me a glass of water”. This is quite okay as you not only give respect to the subordinates, but also ensure that the work gets done efficiently as such appellations bring more cachet to his/her lowly positions.

But in most parts of our country, especially North India, we are hugely afflicted or divided by this insurmountable ego barrier. We generally believe that those down the ladder in hierarchy, even if older in age, could be addressed by their first names. While many of us address older staff members or colleagues by using the honorific of Sahib or ji, many call them by first name, often creating a heart-burn in the process of interaction.

The absence of any official code of conduct relating to the use of ‘honorific’ or respectful appellations also makes the situation murkier. One has come across many cases where the whole office ambience has been vitiated because of the disrespectful appellations used against junior colleagues, subordinates or even equals, thereby bringing the allegation of bad behaviour against the officer using the same. It is a chronic issue with many younger officers holding higher posts.

In the civil services, one has come across situations where younger officers, belonging to superior civil services, have insisted upon being addressed as ‘Sir’ by officials of subordinate services even when the latter is holding a higher post. Such officers themselves like to address the subordinate service officers and officials by their first names even when the latter hold equivalent or superior positions. They do this because of the faster promotional prospects of the superior civil services. Some of the judges, however, are known to find ‘Sir’ infra dig; they instead prefer the more majestic ‘My Lord’ or ‘Your Honour’.

Many junior but older colleagues don’t like to be addressed by their first names and prefer the honorific of Sahib or Ji as customarily required by social etiquette. This has often created very piquant situations in interpersonal relations, thereby introducing an unnecessary service rivalry or office intrigue in the whole relational dynamics. Many colleagues have often expressed annoyance at the use of appellations like Bhaiya’, ‘Dada’ (both meaning elder brother) or ‘Boss’ from media-persons or others in course of official interactions. Again, many senior officials are known to dislike being called by their first names by strangers who are familiar with their superior status.

We ought to make sure that our fragile egos do not make us isolated or social pariahs after we lose social or official status by a quirk of fate or the passage of time. Respect should be commanded, not demanded as we usually do. While such ego clashes over honorifics and appellations are specific to the Indian milieu, we must be more respectful of people around us, junior, senior or anyone, allowing such things to be decided by an evolving relationship amongst interlocutors.

We need to cultivate the habit of giving respect to anyone and everyone without any discrimination, but definitely to those older than us. Being a democratic country cherishing egalitarian values of equality among all, we should stop being exercised by such issues. As a liberal, educated citizen of a democratic India, we should be more broadminded and not waste precious time over trifles.

(The writer is an IAS officer, presently posted as the Commissioner of School Education, West Bengal. The views are personal and don’t reflect those of the Government)