Scrolling through Instagram and noticing two school kids posting photos of each other with the hashtag ‘BFF’ perhaps takes you back to those old days when you, too, thought that without that one friend, life would be meaningless. For each one of us, whether at school, neighbourhood, college or university, we have all been through that phase where that one person, that one friend, meant the world to us. In the truest sense, ‘BFF’, they knew your likes and dislikes, your deepest secrets, whom you hated, how you liked your coffee, and much more. And, while sustaining such friendships is a paradox of life as we evolve with time, sustaining friendship in the form of a marriage is a hardship in itself.
For any marriage that has lasted for years, ask any couple, and they would say that working, building and sustaining that friendship factor is the key, and that is exactly what the Mukherjis believe in, too. Meeting in 2000 through a matrimonial site, both of them were quick to tie the knot within a year, getting married on 31 January 2001. “He came to see me the third time after his cousin, uncle, and his parents had already given me a visit twice,” says Mrs Mukherji. “For so many years, the great part about her is that whatever she says is what she means,” adds Mr Mukherji subtly. He also adds, “We both are really introverted people, so there is no particular one thing that we stick to, as you would call a ritual, but something that we do is visit the temple as much as we can.
Asking what both of them believe is a challenging aspect when it comes to marriages, Mrs Mukherji readily replies, “First and foremost, adjustment. And the second would be being self-centred. You cannot measure the effort someone is putting into you. In a marriage, you cannot really say, ‘I am putting in so much effort; if my partner isn’t, then why should I?’ You need to remember that one day you will probably put in more effort than your partner, and the next day, vice versa, and that is how you make a marriage work. You should always accept the person the way they are, and that starts with accepting yourself first. To which Mr Mukherji adds, “You know, the shortest marriage in history lasted for three minutes. I am citing this because I think respecting your partner is something that should be natural. If you cannot respect your partner, your marriage will not survive. In a marriage, you have to be tolerant and accept people the way they are. You have to appreciate the person. What most people fail to realise is that one should focus on their partner’s strengths and not their weaknesses.”
And while in every marriage, bickering and fights are an inevitable part, the question that arises is: how do you resolve those fights? Mrs Mukherji laughingly comments, “Oh! My reflex is so bad when it comes to retorting that I really don’t know how to fight.” To which Mr Mukherji adds, “The anger really doesn’t linger, and as you age, you realise these fights are kiddish. As you mature, you will realise that there will be differences of opinion, and these are a few things that are non-compromisable.”
According to both of them, when it comes to a marriage, it is important to be realistic when it comes to your partner, and compatibility matters. Mrs Mukherji adds, “I tell this to my children as well: do not go for a person depending on their education and physical attributes only; try to understand the person from inside, their mind. If the person cannot respect you, that person is not right for you. You will spend a huge chunk of your life with your partner; hence, accepting that person for who he or she is is crucial, and allowing that person to flourish is even more important. Mr Mukherji ends the conversation by adding, “Just like she said, if you cannot accept the person the way they are, you will be in big trouble. Second, marriages fall apart because of wrong expectations; set your expectations right for sustaining a marriage. You will agree and disagree on so many things, but do not turn them into the focal point of your marriage. And the last, which I think is extremely crucial, is not having porous ears. Society will have its views, but they do not know what is going on inside your life or inside your house, yet they will still have something to say. Hence, do not have porous ears, and this is applicable for every sphere of life.”
(The names of the Mukherjis have been omitted in accordance with their request.)