Marriage requires work — that’s what most of us have heard from our parents, friends, relatives, and even our office colleagues sitting beside us. And it’s true. Marriages do not work out overnight. And, while you might have been head over heels with each other while courting or felt the spark when your parents introduced you to each other, it can often levitate and evanesce as one gets entangled in the mayhem of work, personal obligations, children, household and others. And while we know that marriages require work, the question that stirs the mind is, what makes a great and ‘imperfectly’ perfect marriage work?
Trying to find answers, we got talking to Shoma A. Chatterji, a prolific writer, film critic and freelance journalist, on what the secret is to her 59 years of partnership. “Oh, I remember the first time we met. He came to Bombay to meet me with two of his friends, and 18 days later, we got married. And, believe it or not, we had not uttered a word to each other before marriage, and it was only after all the nuptials were done that I got to talk to my husband,” says she. “Well, her qualities, for one, were something that captivated me. For me, beauty did not matter that much; she was a great student and a fantastic dancer, and that really enthralled me,” says her husband, Ajoy Kumar Chatterji. They got married on 11 May 1965 at her father’s ancestral home in Sheoraphuli.
While reminiscing about the first few months of her marriage, Shoma A. Chatterji remembers the difficulty she had to face while trying to adjust to a joint family and also how, on her marriage day, the rain had almost ruined the wedding function. “During our times, you did not get married to the individual, your husband only; you married his whole family, and being brought up with a modern upbringing in Bombay, every day was an adventure for me.”
What makes your marriage special? ”I don’t know about special, but partnership is essential,” she comments. She also adds that her husband has always been the most supportive person ever. At a time when she wanted to get her master’s degree after her marriage, she faced some resistance, but it was he who made everyone understand. Even when she was living in Bombay for her master’s and continued to do so for several years, he made sure to join her at a later stage. She remembered how the day of her first anniversary was bittersweet. She says, “My mother-in-law was angry hearing that we would be hosting a party because anniversaries were not really celebrated back then; her daughters didn’t even. Hence, both my in-laws refused to attend the party and went out for a movie; however, we did host the party, and it was a gala one.”
She fondly states that it is the little things that matter in a marriage, like how she and her husband have breakfast every day. She, still a working woman, laments that it is not always possible for her to give ample time to her husband; however, she apprises how caring he is. Do you quarrel a lot? “Oh yes, constant bickering, and when we were young, we used to stop talking for 3 or 4 days, but now, it’s either him building a bridge first or me, and surprisingly, he always understands when I am angry,” laughs Shoma A. Chatterji.
She describes how marriage is a challenge every day, and that’s how it should be; otherwise, it could get stagnant. She adds, “Consider marriage a way of life. Let marriage evolve organically. No marriage is the same, and sometimes you will not see eye to eye, but the emotional tie should be there,” to which Ajoy Kumar Chatterji adds, “Partnership and accommodation are the two pillars of marriage. Work and put effort into that, and everything will work out.”